The Honest Truth

I know this isn't something that blogger's usually post about, but this is my blog, and I'm going to post how I'm feeling. No matter what the outcome is. I've been battling depression for a while now. 

Actually since I was a child. My mom was never around, she worked three jobs, and I had to take care of my brother and sister. On top of that, she dated all the time. And I felt like she never actually cared about me because all she cared about was the man she was dating. I use to literally beat myself in the head with a bookshelf, of some type of heavy object and leave bruises on my face and body so that she would notice me.

Then it went away for a while. But came back after I got married and then 3 months later found out that my husband was cheating on me with a girl that I worked with everyday. I mentally broke down. I cried in the closet. I started smoking. I started feeling like my 8 month old daughter at the time was the only person in the world that I had. I didn’t even want her to be near him. But I sucked in my pride, forgave him for our family and just hid behind a lie ever since.

Then I tried to move on from that. I went up to where I grew up. Met someone, and only had more heartbreak. I’ve gone so far out of my way to try to make people feel like I care about them. I buy them things. I make them things. I cook them things. I drive over an hour out of my way just to surprise them with Sonic since they were craving that all weekend. And my living situation while I’ve been here hasn’t been good either. Cops have been called, arguments have been had. And I’ve left in the middle of the night to try and protect my daughter.

Sigh. I just…I just want people to realize that everything is not always okay. People see me and they automatically think that I’m happy all the time because I’m smiling. I’m a small, bubbly person who apparently always looks happy. But all of these demons just keep growing inside of me. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what to do. But then I look at the little two year old who tries to get into my makeup, and jumps and dances on my bed. Then I realize, it doesn’t matter how depressed I am all the time, because that little girl needs her mom, and she’s worth everything in this world. I’d do anything for her, including smile.